Note to football federations across the world: do you have a national football team whose performances aren’t getting the recognition you think they deserve? Would you like to see their adventures covered with more enthusiasm by the media?

Here’s a tip: follow the flippin’ Philippine Azkals’ example, for crying out loud! Strip your best-looking boys down to their basest layer of all, massage liberal quantities of patchouli oil onto them and lead them around a series of random rooms on a long chain, making sure someone is taking photographs of them when the light hits them perfectly.

Don’t bother rushing off to advertise the post of your next chief man-handler because we’re already one step ahead of you. Early this morning, we packed up one of our representatives for delivery from our doors to yours. If he doesn’t arrive within six hours, shipping and handling is free.

Actually, having given another look at the dude in the middle, make that four and half.